By the time you start contemplating divorce, you have likely felt every negative emotion towards your partner in the book – hurt, anger, hate, frustration. It is unlikely you decided divorce at the stage where you haven’t been emotionally wounded.
When facing the breakdown of a relationship it is easy to feel victimized and blame the other party. However, with moral courage you can carve a new path to create a new better life for yourself. As we have heard before courage can only be exercised in the face of fear. In the dark and uncertain times one faces during a divorce, we have to look within ourselves to find our own inner strength.
Finding our own inner strength means a few things: 1) Coming to peace with negative emotions 2) Determining the right outcome for you.
1. Coming to Peace with Negative Emotions
Coming to peace with negative emotions can become even more complicated when you are already embroiled or thinking about divorce. This next suggestion may sound simple but is incredibly powerful in balancing our emotions. This technique is breathing. It may sound silly but taking 15 minutes out of your day to sit calmly and meditate has been shown to have powerful effects on how the brain functions. It has been scientifically proven to help individuals regulate their emotions. You can visit calm.com for an easy to use guided meditation.
Secondly, I recommend a book that I read recently called, “I Need Your Love – Is that true?” by Byron Katie. She takes you through a simple question and answer process that begins by asking, “Is that true?” Her book highlights how our negative emotions come from a judgment we have made about the event. By asking, “Is that true?” you can start the process of inquiry that reveals how your own inner expectations and judgments are shaping the way you are feeling. I know it can be hard to take a look at our own thoughts and feelings when in the maelstrom of hurt, anger and frustration, but by stopping to first, breath and then reflect, we can begin to consider new perspectives. You can learn more about Byron Katie’s techniques at her website, www.thework.com. Here is a direct link to her worksheet that guides you through her process.
2. Determine the Right Outcome for You
Deciding what is right for you is a choice that is based on your own inner moral compass. While your neighbor may tell you that the right solution is to litigate, putting thousands of dollars on the line to ensure they don’t wind up better off than you, it is up to you to find the solution that works for you. While other couples may suggest that the only way to move on is to never speak to one another again, it is up to your own inner moral compass to determine the right path for you. If your partner wants you to agree to a settlement that you don’t agree to, you have to rely on your own moral compass to determine what’s right for you.
By coming to peace with negative emotions and determining the right outcome for you, you can rely on your own inner strength to find a peaceful path through divorce.